Assertive or Pushy? The Rugby Double Standard Women Know All Too Well

 I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve heard a woman described as “pushy,” “bossy,” or my personal favourite, “a bit much.”

Usually for doing something that a man would be praised for.

•Speaking up in a meeting? Assertive.

•Setting clear expectations? Strong leadership.

•Holding people accountable? Driven.

Unless you’re a woman, of course. Then suddenly you’re difficult.

Women’s rugby is no different.

In fact, I’d argue it’s one of the places where this double standard becomes most obvious.

The Coach Who Cares Too Much

A male coach who demands standards is passionate.

A female coach who demands standards can quickly become intimidating.

The man who asks why attendance is dropping is committed to improving the team.

The woman who asks the same question is making people uncomfortable.

The man who sends reminders, chases responses, and keeps things organised is dedicated.

The woman doing exactly the same thing? She’s nagging.

I’ve seen it. I’ve experienced it. Most women involved in sport probably have.

Sometimes the criticism is subtle. Sometimes it’s not.

But the message is often the same: be a leader, but not too much of a leader.

Rugby Loves Strong Women… To A Point

Women’s rugby celebrates strength.

We celebrate powerful tackles, dominant carries, fearless defence, and players who refuse to back down.

We encourage women to be loud on the pitch, to call plays, to direct teammates, to put their hand up for leadership roles.

Then somehow we’re surprised when those same women are confident off the pitch too.

It’s a strange contradiction.

We want women who can smash through a defensive line but still somehow package their opinions in enough bubble wrap that nobody feels challenged.

The Invisible Balancing Act

Many women end up performing a balancing act that men rarely have to think about.

Can I ask for this?

Can I challenge that decision?

Can I hold this person accountable?

Will I be seen as professional or difficult?

Passionate or emotional?

Assertive or aggressive?

The frustrating part is that the answer often depends less on what was said and more on who said it.

The Cost of Staying Quiet

The irony is that rugby desperately needs people willing to speak up.

Clubs need volunteers who challenge poor processes, teams need leaders who set standards and players need coaches who aren’t afraid to have difficult conversations.

Nothing improves because somebody quietly sat in the corner hoping not to upset anyone.

The damaging part on a personal level is that this constant level of overthinking causes increased anxiety, imposter syndrome and loss of confidence in female coaches as reported in numerous studies into the psychological wellbeing of female coaches. 

The best rugby environments I’ve been part of weren’t built by people trying to be liked all the time- they were built by people willing to have honest conversations, make decisions, and occasionally be unpopular.

Maybe She’s Not Pushy

Maybe she’s organised.

Maybe she’s ambitious.

Maybe she’s trying to stop everything descending into chaos.

Maybe she’s carrying half the mental load of the team and asking others to share it.

Or maybe she’s simply doing exactly what we’d praise a man for doing.

The next time a woman in rugby gets labelled pushy, bossy, difficult, or intimidating, it might be worth asking a simple question:

If she were a man, would we be calling it leadership?

Because chances are, we would.

How do we fix this?

Changing this starts with challenging our own assumptions. 

When a woman speaks up, takes charge, or holds people accountable, we need to stop asking whether she’s being “too much” and start asking whether we’d react the same way if a man had said or done exactly the same thing. 

In rugby, as in life, leadership comes in many forms, and confidence shouldn’t be judged differently depending on who’s showing it. 

Clubs, coaches, committees, and players all have a role to play in recognising unconscious bias, calling it out when they see it, and creating environments where women don’t have to dilute their ambition or soften their leadership to be accepted. The goal isn’t to lower standards or avoid difficult conversations- it’s to make sure we’re judging people by their actions, not their gender.

The Final Whistle

We all have a part to play in ensuring women feel able to be the leaders our teams and clubs need them to be without having to  second guess the reactions of those around them. 

Being an advocate or an ally for women, and calling out biased behaviour is the only way we can change the narrative around this gender role.