“It’s Not You, It’s My Brain: Coaching, Feedback, and RSD”

 


Being a rugby coach is a strange mix of hype speeches, clipboards, and wondering if your players actually understood what you just said about ruck technique. Add ADHD into the mix, and suddenly feedback- whether from players, parents, or other coaches can feel like a surprise tackle you weren’t braced for.


And if you’re familiar with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), you know that sometimes even the gentlest “Hey, maybe try this next time” can feel like your entire existence has been red-carded.


So let’s talk about it.


What RSD Feels Like in Coaching


RSD isn’t just “taking things personally.” It’s your nervous system going into full meltdown over a comment that wasn’t even meant harshly. It can feel like:

• A sudden drop in your stomach when someone points out a mistake.

• That hot, flushed embarrassment that makes you want to vanish into the nearest changing room.

• A spiral of overthinking: Do they hate me? Should I even be coaching? Maybe I’ll just become a shepherd in Wales.


But here’s the truth: Feedback is a gift, not a death sentence. It’s how we grow as coaches and as people in general.


Reframing Feedback


Instead of hearing feedback as an attack, I try to hear it as a play call from a teammate:

• Separate tone from content. Someone’s delivery might be blunt, but their actual message might be helpful. (That being said I think we can all do a lot to ensure we’re being kind with our tone.)

• Translate criticism into curiosity. Instead of “I’m bad at this,” I ask, “What can I learn here?”

• Use the rugby analogy. You wouldn’t yell at a player for dropping one ball in training; you’d encourage them and move on. Apply that same grace to yourself.


Coping Strategies for RSD Moments


Because “just don’t take it personally” is about as useful as telling a flanker to “just run faster.”

1. Pause Before Responding. A deep breath, a sip of water, a moment to nod and say, “Thanks, I’ll think about that,” buys you time to process.

2. Ground Yourself. I use the “5-4-3-2-1” sensory technique: name five things you see, four things you feel, three you hear, two you smell, one you taste. It pulls me out of the spiral.

3. De-personalise It. Feedback is about a behaviour or decision, not your entire personality.

4. Create a Feedback Buffer. If possible, ask trusted players or assistant coaches to summarise feedback for you in a constructive way.


Self-Compassion is a Coaching Skill


We demand a lot from ourselves as coaches: strategy, emotional leadership, remembering everyone’s allergies… But nobody coaches perfectly. Learning to handle feedback with self-compassion is as important as learning lineout calls. 


I remind myself:

• My ADHD brain makes me passionate, creative, and empathetic.

• Feedback is not proof I’m failing; it’s proof I’m growing.

• RSD doesn’t get the final say in how I see myself.


Final Whistle


Feedback isn’t always comfortable, but it’s essential for building strong teams and strong coaches. Next time RSD tries to knock you off your feet, picture yourself brushing off the tackle, setting up the next phase, and moving forward.


Because every coach, ADHD or not, is a work in progress.

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